Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
false alarm, still single
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
