hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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