walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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