I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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