I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
