the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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