I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
