I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
