god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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