I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
