You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
