I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
