I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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