how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
