I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
