i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He shit in the fireplace
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
