One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
