She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
vagina is talking i cant
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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