In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Come on in and take your pants off
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