I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
