Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
