Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
