I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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