Already got asked if we're dating
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
