My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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