dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wear drunk well.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
