I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
