sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
