Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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