MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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