there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she peed on how many people?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
