Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
