Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
