I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
