i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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