matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
