im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
