i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
