Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
