If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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