sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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