So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
