I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
