I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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