I am puke
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
how do you play pong handcuffed?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
