Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
