Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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