I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
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i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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