No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
