Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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