I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
