I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
