I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He has the fingertips of a God
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