my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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