The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
