Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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