Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
