I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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